By Henry Vinter | 4 April 2056
Before the match, Atletico Madrid manager Tony Roberts claimed Calin Dimario was “lucky” and suggested the Chelsea boss had simply caught opponents on “off days”.
Ninety minutes later, Roberts sat in the dugout at the Drogba Arena, staring blankly at a scoreboard that read 6-0. If this was luck, then Chelsea have exhausted the world’s supply.
In a performance of breathtaking violence, Chelsea dismantled the Spanish giants in the Champions League Quarter-Final First Leg. They scored five goals in the opening 28 minutes, reducing the return of former hero and newly crowned “World Footballer of the Year” Eduardo Angione to a mere footnote in a historic slaughter.
The 28-Minute Blitz
The game was not a contest; it was an execution.
Jairzinho started the rout after just 3 minutes, volleying home to set the tone. Before Atletico could even reset, the floodgates opened.
Pelé, the conductor of this orchestra, doubled the lead in the 9th minute with a “powerful effort.” Three minutes later, Netanel Sahar buried a penalty into the bottom corner. By the 18th minute, Pelé had his second, slotting an “accurate finish” into the bottom corner.
When Joseph Haigh rose to head home a fifth in the 28th minute, the tie was effectively over. Chelsea had scored five goals from an xG of 3.72, while Atletico had barely crossed the halfway line.
Angione’s Nightmare Return
The narrative build-up had focused heavily on Eduardo Angione. The former Chelsea striker, who scored 197 league goals for the Blues, returned to the Bridge as the reigning World Footballer of the Year.
His return was a disaster. Starved of service and suffocated by McKauley Civzelis and Francesco Rustignoli, Angione was invisible. He managed a pitiful 6.1 rating and was booked in the 80th minute out of sheer frustration. It was a brutal reminder that while he may be the “best in the world” individually, his former team operates on a different planet collectively.
Roberts Eats His Words
For Tony Roberts, the post-match handshake must have been excruciating. His pre-match comments about Dimario’s “luck” backfired spectacularly. Chelsea didn’t just beat his side; they exposed his tactical setup (a 5-2-1-2) as completely inadequate against Dimario’s fluid 4-2-3-1.
Jairzinho added a sixth goal in the 78th minute with a deflected shot to complete the humiliation.
Semi-Finals Beckon
The second leg in Madrid is now a formality. Chelsea have scored 6 goals and kept a clean sheet against one of Europe’s best teams. Pelé, with a 9.3 rating and two goals, proved that even at 26, he is still the man for the big occasion.
The “Quintuple” charge is not just alive; it is picking up speed.