Chelsea 5–2 Man UFC
Drogba Arena, December 12th, 2052
And lo, the men in blue rose like Zeus from Olympus and cracked thunder upon Manchester UFC’s feeble shield. Five goals they rained down – FIVE – not in chaos, but in celestial harmony. Dionysus wept with joy. Ares took notes. And in the dugout, Calin Dimario crossed his arms and surveyed his empire like a Roman general who’d just sacked Gaul.
The Oracles Speak
“Title-winning football,” said the gaffer, calm as a monk mid-storm. José Franco? “Magnificent.” And rightly so. The lad played as if possessed by the spirit of Pirlo and blessed by Athena herself.
Netanel Sahar scored early, a clinical thunderclap that forced even the VAR gods to nod in approval. Then came Civzelis, leaping like a salmon at a family funeral, heading home with disdain. Ordóñez danced into the third, Marcelo lashed in the fourth, and Haigh – sweet Joseph Haigh – completed the fifth like a child finishing dessert before bedtime.
Social Scrolls of Prophecy
- @TrueBlueVoice: “José Franco is HIM. Midfield masterclass. #CFC #ChelseaVsMUFC”
- @PremierDrama: “Dimario’s Chelsea are a machine. 5 goals against the second-best team in the league? That’s dominance.”
- @RedDevilFaithful: “Pain. Just pain.”
By the Numbers (Divine Edition)
- Netanel Sahar: 13 goals in 11 apps. That’s not form. That’s witchcraft.
- José Franco: 5 assists this season. More line-breaking passes than Hermes on speed.
- Landeira: 90% pass accuracy. As reliable as the tides.
- Júnior: 5 goals from 6 starts. And he hasn’t even started properly cooking yet.
The Fallout: League on Fire
14 points clear. Yes, you read that right. Fourteen. Chelsea now tower above the table like Mount Olympus over a bunch of rolling molehills. Arsenal? Swept. Fulham? Annihilated. Man UFC? Publicly humbled. That’s twelve goals in three matches. That’s not a title challenge. That’s a divine reckoning.
They are not just winning. They are conquering. They are rewriting the language of champions. The rest of the league plays matches. Chelsea writes epics.
What Comes Next?
Carabao Cup Quarter Final vs QPR. Expect rotation. Expect blood. Expect Júnior to saunter in with a grin and a goal. Dimario might even play wearing sandals.
By Brendan the Bard, wandering scribe and witness to footballing divinity