By Digby | 19 February 2053
Champions League Knockout Round – First Leg Drama & English Progress
It’s only February but Europe’s elite are already at each other’s throats like contestants on a Tory leadership ballot. Eight ties, six nations, too many dodgy haircuts, and at least one club (hello, Man City) left curled up in the corner asking what went wrong. Let’s get into it.
🔴 Arsenal humiliate City at the Etihad
Get in. Arsenal didn’t just beat City—they took their lunch, their house keys, and probably their soul. A 4–0 away win, and it could’ve been more. City’s backline looked like it was held together with cheese strings and panic. This wasn’t football. It was a controlled demolition. The Emirates will be a parade ground next week. Tie over.
🟢 Villa make Real sweat
Oh hello, Aston Villa. That was not what Madrid came for. A 3–3 draw at Villa Park—on top of a 2–0 first-leg advantage—sends the Midlands mob through on aggregate (5–3). And they deserved it. Real looked ancient. Modric may still be there, holding on like the last bit of soap in the shower. Villa march on, and fair play to them.
🔵 Barca and Dortmund through
Barcelona dusted off AC Milan like a piece of fluff. 3–0 in the second leg, 4–2 on aggregate. Dortmund put nine (yes, NINE) past Hapoel Be’er Sheva over two legs. That should be a war crime.
🔴 Liverpool edge Marseille in fiery clash
And then there’s us. Liverpool. 4–2 away to OM in the first leg. Looked like it’d be a doddle at 3–0, but we let ‘em back in. Still, we’ll finish the job at Anfield. Sotiouri bagged one, Mat Taylor’s on fire again, and Marseille’s keeper might still be seeing stars. All eyes on Merseyside next week.
🟣 Sevilla, Juve strike early – Slavia & Lyon locked
Sevilla take a 2–1 lead back to France. Juventus beat Cluj 4–2 in Romania. And Slavia Prague drew 0–0 with Lyon in a match so dull it might get used as a sleep aid.
🇬🇧 English clubs on top
Three English sides already through. Liverpool with one foot in the quarters. Not bad for a league drowning in debt and VAR outrage. Europe beware—we might be a mess, but we’re your mess now.