14 January 2052 – The FA Cup third round once again served up its cocktail of madness, misery and meat pies colder than a January piss-up in Blackpool. From Anfield to Adams Park, the nation’s favourite old competition reminded us why it still gets under the skin – mostly by humiliating Premier League sides and stuffing fixture calendars with bastard replays.
Let’s start with the obvious: Liverpool, the only club worth giving a toss about, swatted Sheffield United aside 4-0. Easy as you like, four goals, and not a hint of struggle. The scran at Anfield was still the usual overpriced muck, but at least the scoreboard was palatable. Compare that to Arsenal, the supposed North London aristocrats, held 0-0 by Nottingham Forest. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. Arsenal fans went home dreaming of their next cheese board rather than silverware.
Chelsea, the current holders, decided to flex by dismantling Cardiff 5-0. Stamford Bridge will be unbearable after that, full of posh twats banging on about their youth prospects like they’ve reinvented the wheel. Manchester United, meanwhile, were knocked out on the south coast, Bournemouth thumping them 2-0. Absolute scenes. That’ll sting, but not half as much as the culinary insult of a soggy chicken balti pie you get at Dean Court. The stuff makes prison gruel look gourmet.
The shocks didn’t stop there. Barrow dumped Yeovil out, Burton nicked it at Southampton, and Derby battered Sunderland 3-1. Millwall and Everton went toe to toe, finishing 1-1, which means another replay no one wanted. Tottenham scraped past Fylde 1-0 – the sort of scoreline that makes you wonder if Spurs just enjoy embarrassing themselves against non-league plumbers.
And then there’s Wrexham. Still living off the Hollywood nonsense, they held West Brom to a 1-1 draw. Cameras lapped it up, but really it’s just more dross on the schedule. Wolves meanwhile edged out Shrewsbury, and Leicester did Wycombe 5-0, the kind of result that proves some fairytales end with a boot up the arse.
So, onto the fourth round we go. Liverpool march on, Arsenal stumble, United crash, Chelsea crow, and the rest of the country pretends to care while queuing for pies. The FA Cup: same chaos every year, and I bloody love it.
– Digby