By Mark Glodbridge | 15 February 2053
📈 Premier Division: Man UFC 1-2 Nottingham Forest
Venue: Old Trafford
Attendance: 90,149
Goals: Ruff (32′ pen) | Kouki (38′, 63′)
⚡ “THE KIDS? THEY WENT AND DID US.”
What can you say? A team of youth players from Nottingham Forest walked into Old Trafford and outplayed a bunch of highly paid, bottlejob veterans. Aziz Kouki absolutely cooked our defence. Two goals, 8.9 rating, and a highlight reel that’ll make Maguire and Moyano want to retire early.
We started strong. David Ruff tucked in a pen after the ref checked the screen. 1-0, job done? Nope. Kouki cuts in, rattles the post, it goes in. Then he lashes one in on 63 to give Forest all three points. VAR couldn’t save us. Andre didn’t have to break a sweat in their net.
🏆 Kouki Masterclass
Just look at the stats. Man UFC had more shots (12-6), more xG (1.94–1.17), more possession (55%)… and still lost. Because Kouki took his chances and our lot bottled it. He’s 20 years old. Someone sign him before Chelsea do.
🏋️ Match Stats Snapshot
- Shots: Man UFC 12 – 6 Forest
- On Target: 5 – 3
- xG: 1.94 – 1.17
- Possession: 55% – 45%
- Clear-Cut Chances: 1 – 2
💥 Defensive Horror Show
Christian Meng (7.1) and Jamie Jones (7.0) were the only ones who looked like they cared. Everyone else? Brian Maguire 6.2. S. Adebayo 6.4. Edvaldo 6.4. The midfield was lost. Campanço got booked early and did nothing. Moyano invisible.
And let’s not even talk about Sol Busu—never mind.
🚫 Title? Don’t Be Daft
We’re not in a title race anymore. Chelsea are laughing their way to the crown while we drop points at home to a youth team. Our last three games? L 1–4 vs Plymouth, W 2–0 vs Leeds, L 1–2 vs Forest. That’s not champion form. That’s Europa League football form.
🔻 What’s Next?
Up next? Arsenal. And if Kouki did that to us, just wait till Martinelli’s regen gets going.
Final Word: If anyone needs me, I’ll be rewatching 1999 clips until my eyes bleed. This lot don’t deserve the badge.
— Mark Glodbridge, boiling.