Chelsea 5–2 Man UFC
Drogba Arena, 12 December 2052
Absolute Embarrassment. Bottle Jobs of the Highest Order.
This wasn’t just a loss. This was a full-on bottle job. A disgrace. Five–TWO. I don’t care how good Chelsea are — you don’t turn up like that wearing a Manchester United badge. No shape, no fight, no urgency. Calin Dimario’s Chelsea turned us over like we were a Sunday League side. Embarrassing.
Early Promise… Then Absolute Collapse
We started alright. There was a bit of zip. Bit of purpose. And then… BOOM. Sahar scores. One-nil. And from there it was like watching a horror film in slow motion. Civzelis makes it two, then Ordóñez dances through like he’s prime Ronaldinho. And where are our defenders? WHERE?
Marcelo gets a fourth. Haigh — Joseph bloody Haigh — makes it five. And don’t let the two goals we scored fool you. They were sympathy goals. Chelsea were toying with us. They had the foot on the throat and let up. That’s the only reason we didn’t lose 8-0.
Tactical Nightmare, Zero Accountability
Our midfield was nonexistent. Defenders all over the shop. And up front? Might as well have played traffic cones. Every time Chelsea went forward, it looked like a goal. We were wide open. Leaking goals like a sieve in a hurricane.
No leadership. No plan B. Same story, different season.
Fan Reaction: Fuming Doesn’t Even Cover It
- @RedDevilTears: “Glazers OUT. Sack the lot. I’m done.”
- @UnitedFaithful: “Five goals conceded in a title race? We’re not serious.”
- @MUGoldbridge: “I’ve seen more fight in a packet of crisps. Absolute bottle jobs.”
Where Do We Go From Here?
We’re 14 points behind Chelsea now. Title race? Forget it. We’ve been embarrassed, outclassed, humiliated. If there’s not a serious shakeup after this, then what’s the point?
The fans deserve better. The badge deserves better. That was a disgrace. That was not Manchester United.
By Mark Glodbridge, full-time ranter, part-time realist.