Premier League: Plymouth Argyle 4–1 Man UFC
Saturday 25 January 2053 | Home Park
“DISGRACEFUL. ABSOLUTELY SHAMBOLIC.” That’s the only way to describe this utter embarrassment at the hands of Plymouth bloody Argyle. Nigel Powell – yes, NIGEL POWELL – just walked through us like prime R9. And the defending? It’s like we’ve brought cones on a team holiday.
🎩 Powell Hat-Trick – VAR Can’t Save Us
The lad gets a hat-trick, and guess what? We try to VAR it out of existence TWICE and still can’t stop it. Powell taps one in after 32 minutes – where’s the marking? Then Mahmoud drills one in just after – 2–0. Edzes is running the midfield like he’s Zidane in boots from Sports Direct.
Second half? More pain. Powell again – VAR says yes again – then AGAIN. It’s 4–0 before we’ve even blinked. What’s Hill doing? Pozzo? Grigoraș? You could stick a traffic warden in defence and get more composure.
💥 Adebayo Consolation – And That’s All It Was
Success Adebayo scores a belter from 21 metres in the 90th minute. Too little, too late. That’s like cleaning your boots after stepping in five puddles of cow dung. Doesn’t mean anything now.
Alex Bălan goes off injured too – because of course he does. Sprained ankle. Title race? It’s disappearing faster than our backline’s concentration.
📉 What This Means
We’re now 17 POINTS behind Chelsea. SEVENTEEN. And they battered Bournemouth 5–0 just for fun. While we’re getting spanked by a team that’s got someone called Nigel scoring hat-tricks.
Man of the Match: Charlie Edzes – 3 assists, 9.9 rating. Might as well hand him a testimonial now.
Final word? If this is the title challenge, I want a refund.
— Mark Glodbridge, fuming.