By Henry Vinter | 21 November 2055
There is winning, there is dominating, and then there is whatever Chelsea are currently inflicting upon the Premier League. This afternoon at the Drogba Arena was not a contest; it was a procession. A 5-0 dismantling of Bournemouth that felt less like a sporting event and more like a cruel exhibition of the gap between the elite and the rest.
With this victory, Calin Dimario’s side have now extended their winning run to twelve consecutive league games. They sit atop the table, uncatchable and unplayable, having scored 54 goals in just 13 matches.
The Luca D’Urso Show
While the headlines often gravitate toward the Galacticos in attack, today belonged to Luca D’Urso. The £86 million summer signing from Lyon produced a performance of such devastating completeness that he was virtually playing a different sport to his opponents.
Operating from left-back, the Italian was the architect of Bournemouth’s misery. He didn’t just create; he finished. In the 5th minute, he doubled Chelsea’s lead with a “deftly executed finish from close range,” a striker’s goal from a defender.
But it was his supply line that was truly frightening. D’Urso registered a hat-trick of assists, ending the game with a staggering 9.3 match rating. In a squad overflowing with world-class talent, he is rapidly becoming the most dynamic full-back on the planet.
The Blitz
The game was effectively over before many fans had taken their seats. Francesco Rustignoli, a tower of strength at the back, opened the floodgates after just three minutes, powering home a header from inside the six-yard box. Two minutes later, D’Urso struck. 2-0 after five minutes. Game over.
From there, it was an exercise in damage limitation for the visitors, which they failed spectacularly. Pelé, returned to the starting lineup, reminded everyone of his enduring class with a brace. His first was a “deflected fierce shot” just after the break, and his second a “subtle chip” that oozed arrogance.
Valera’s Mixed Afternoon
And then there is Nacho Valera. The young Spaniard, currently the subject of intense debate regarding his rivalry with Shon Mishpati, continued his remarkable scoring streak. He netted a fine header in the 58th minute to make it 4-0, further cementing his status as the club’s premier marksman.
However, the afternoon wasn’t flawless. Valera missed the chance to add a second when his 70th-minute penalty was saved by Clarke Sonner. In a 5-0 win, it is a footnote, but for a perfectionist like Dimario, it will be noted.
Statistical Brutality
The statistics from this match are frankly obscene. Chelsea fired 38 shots on goal to Bournemouth’s 5. They generated an Expected Goals (xG) of 4.75 compared to the visitors’ paltry 0.44.
This is a Chelsea team playing without handbrakes. They are winning with “Concerned” stars like Júnior and Jairzinho in the lineup, proving that internal friction is doing nothing to slow the momentum on the pitch.
The rest of the league can only watch and wonder: who, if anyone, can stop this blue tsunami?