By Henry Vinter | 26 December 2055
I stand corrected. I thought I saw a “Crichton Cannon” and a “Junior Curtain Call” from the press box earlier, but clearly, the festive sherry had gone to my head. Now that the official data is in, the reality of Chelsea’s Boxing Day destruction of Fulham is even more terrifying than first thought.
It wasn’t just a 5-0 win; it was the Joseph Haigh show.
The winger, who is technically still “concerned” about his playing time, produced a performance of such devastating quality that the statisticians ran out of numbers. He finished with a perfect 10.0 match rating, a goal, and a hat-trick of assists.
The Haigh Masterclass
For 50 minutes, Fulham actually held firm. The first half ended 0-0, a rare moment of resilience against the Chelsea machine.
Then, the floodgates didn’t just open; they were blown off their hinges.
Joseph Haigh started the rout in the 56th minute, finally breaking the resistance with a placed shot. From that moment on, he was unplayable. He turned provider for the rest of the afternoon, setting up three goals and tormenting the Fulham backline until the final whistle.
Pelé and Valera Feast
With the lock picked, the heavy hitters arrived to loot the house.
Pelé, the ageless Brazilian icon, grabbed a brace. His first came in the 67th minute to kill the contest, and he added a second deep in stoppage time (90+5) to rub salt in the wounds.
Nacho Valera also helped himself to a late double. Scoring in the 81st and 91st minutes, the Spaniard turned a comfortable win into a humiliation. It is a testament to Chelsea’s firepower that they can score four goals in the final 25 minutes of a match.
Crichton’s Blip
The only blemish on a perfect afternoon was Scott Crichton. The midfielder, usually so reliable, missed a penalty in the 53rd minute when the game was still scoreless. Against a better team, it might have been costly. Against this Chelsea side, it was just a dramatic pause before the inevitable slaughter.
20 Wins. No Mercy.
The updated stats confirm the dominance: 27 shots to Fulham’s 6, and an xG of 4.70.
Chelsea have now won 20 consecutive games. They have scored 10 goals in their last two matches without conceding. They are not just beating teams; they are statistically obliterating them.