By Henry Vinter | 25 November 2055
The pre-match cameras were all pointed at Luca D’Urso, the £86m man facing his former friends. But by the time the final whistle blew at the Drogba Arena, the narrative had shifted from the new signing to the oldest name in the building.
Joseph Haigh is “concerned” about his playing time. Last night, playing under the watchful eye of his father—club legend and Head of Youth Development Joe Haigh—he played like a man furious at the suggestion he is anything less than indispensable.
In a ruthless 3-0 dismantling of Olympique Lyonnais, Haigh offered a reminder of why this squad is the most terrifying entity in world football. While the world watched for D’Urso’s emotional reunion, Haigh quietly butchered the French side with two goals and a performance that honored the family name.
The Son Also Rises
It took just nine minutes for Haigh to make his point. Drifting in from the left—ironically occupying the space D’Urso vacated to overlap—Haigh met a cross with a “fine header from point-blank range” to kill the game before it had really started.
It was a goal that carried echoes of history. His father, Joe, was the relentless central striker who devoured records at Stamford Bridge. Joseph is different—a winger who hugs the touchline and creates rather than destroys. But when he arrived in the box to finish, the resemblance was undeniable. Bloodlines, as they say, tell their truth on the pitch.
Haigh wasn’t done. In the 64th minute, he doubled his tally with another header, capping a Player of the Match display that earned him an 8.8 rating.
For a player reportedly unhappy with his rotation role, this was the perfect response. He didn’t sulk; he scored. It brings his tally to 10 goals in 14 appearances this season. Those are numbers that would make even his father proud.
D’Urso’s Quiet Exit
And what of the main event? Luca D’Urso’s reunion with Lyon was professional rather than spectacular.
Coming off a 9.3 rating against Bournemouth just two days prior, the Italian’s legs eventually gave way. After 68 minutes of solid work (7.4 rating), Dimario made the call. The board went up, and D’Urso made way for Luther Banton.
It was a substitution born of necessity—two games in 72 hours is a big ask for anyone—but it was also a symbolic flex of Chelsea’s muscle. “Tired? No problem. Here is the 2050 World Cup winner to see out the game.” Banton slotted in effortlessly to help preserve the clean sheet.
The European Kings
The result sees Chelsea qualify for the knockout stages with embarrassing ease. They sit top of the “League Phase” table with a perfect record: 5 Played, 5 Won, 20 Goals Scored, 2 Conceded.
José Franco added the third goal late on with a “well-struck effort”, adding gloss to a scoreline that accurately reflected the gap in class.
Dimario’s machine rolls on. That is now 13 wins in a row in all competitions. The Haigh legacy is secure, the “Concerned” winger is scoring for fun, and Chelsea look unstoppable. The rest of Europe should be very, very afraid.