Chelsea Secure Brazilian Wonderkid Marcelo in £21M Deal from Palmeiras
London, July 3, 2052 — Chelsea have completed the signing of highly-rated Brazilian striker Marcelo from Palmeiras for £21 million, a move that could prove to be one of the…
Tottenham Dent Chelsea’s Momentum in 2–1 Rival Victory
Tottenham Hotspur 2–1 ChelseaPremier Division — Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, London In a fiery London derby under the bright summer skies, Kevin Strootman’s Tottenham halted the Chelsea machine with a dramatic…
Granger and Haigh Punish Villa as Chelsea Make It 100 League Goals
5 March 2052 – Chelsea flexed their muscle at Villa Park once more, breezing past Aston Villa 3–1 to clock their 100th Premier League goal of the season. A brace…
Liverpool Bounce Back Against Leeds But Chelsea Defeat Still Lingers
2052, Anfield – A week is a long time in football, and nowhere was that clearer than Liverpool’s rebound from humiliation at Drogba Arena to a battling 4-2 win over…
Chelsea Humiliate Liverpool in 3-0 Rout at Drogba Arena
2052, Drogba Arena, London – Chelsea battered Liverpool 3-0, and the scoreboard barely captured the gulf. Calin Dimario’s lot toyed with Klopp’s heirs, tiki-taka strangling the Scouse wing-play like a…
Alien Jim Reports: Chelsea’s Five-Goal Human Ritual Over Southampton
Chelsea 5–0 Southampton, 12 January 2052 On Glubblubb IV we never saw such rituals: thousands of hairless bipeds filing into a cavern called Drogba Arena, emitting roars at colored cloths…
Liverpool Humble Man City in Ruthless Anfield Display
Liverpool 3–0 Man City At Anfield, Liverpool tore Manchester City apart with a performance that was equal parts ruthless and inevitable. Dougie Agnew (25’), Felix Hammond (33’) and Federico Vallejos…
Chelsea Extend Unbeaten Run with Win at QPR
I’m sick of it. You’re sick of it. Everyone outside Stamford Bridge is sick of it. Chelsea go marching on, another 2–0 win at QPR, another tick in the unbeaten…
Premier League Roundup: Kelly’s Hat-Trick Defines Matchday 25
30 January 2052 – A strange symmetry unfolded across England this evening, where three matches provided three distinct lessons in inevitability. Manchester City 4–1 Queens Park Rangers Mathematics does not…
From Devon to the Big Time: Plymouth’s Bloody March into the Premier League
27 January 2052 – Plymouth Argyle’s unlikely crusade Plymouth fucking Argyle. A name you never thought you’d see hovering around the top half of the Premier League table, yet here…