By Henry Vinter | January 2056
The pre-match montage on the big screens at the Drogba Arena was touching. It showed Joby Holwell lifting Premier League titles, Champions Leagues, and Cups during a glorious 19-year career at Stamford Bridge. The fans stood and applauded the goalkeeper who defined a generation between the sticks for Chelsea.
Then the whistle blew, and his former teammates spent 90 minutes trying to take his head off.
In a display of ruthless professionalism, Chelsea dismantled Manchester United 4-0, extending their winning streak to 22 games. For Holwell, now 38 and wearing the red of United, it was a bittersweet return. He played brilliantly, earning a 7.7 rating, yet he still had to pick the ball out of his net four times. That fact alone tells you everything about the violence of Chelsea’s attacking performance.
The Siege of Joby
To say Chelsea dominated would be an insult to the word. They besieged the United goal. Dimario’s side unleashed a staggering 37 shots (17 on target) compared to United’s paltry 4. The Expected Goals (xG) told the story of a massacre: 5.32 vs 0.48.
If not for Holwell, who made save after save to roll back the years, this could easily have been eight or nine. He was United’s best player by a mile, fighting a lonely battle against a Blue Tsunami that simply wouldn’t stop coming.
The New Guard Fires
While the old guard was in goal, the new generation was running riot upfront.
Mario Cardozo started the bombardment in the 10th minute, firing a “powerful effort” past Holwell to set the tone.
Then came Nacho Valera. The Spanish striker, who seems to score every time he breathes, grabbed a first-half brace. His first was a “powerful close range effort” in the 23rd minute, followed by a “good header” just before the break. He is the sharpest spear tip in world football right now.
Jairzinho’s Masterclass
The standout performer, however, was Jairzinho. The Brazilian winger was unplayable, earning a massive 9.5 Match Rating.
He tormented the United defence with his pace and skill, capping his performance with a “skidding drive” in the 69th minute to make it 4-0. With 1 goal and 1 assist, he ensured that United’s defenders will be seeing him in their nightmares for weeks.
A Brutal Reality
For Manchester United, who started the day in 4th place, this was a humiliation. They were reduced to spectators in their own fixture.
For Chelsea, it was business as usual. They respected Joby Holwell the only way they know how: by testing him relentlessly. The 4-0 win keeps them miles clear at the top, and sends a message that even club legends aren’t safe from the slaughter.