Chelsea Humiliate Liverpool in 3-0 Rout at Drogba Arena
2052, Drogba Arena, London – Chelsea battered Liverpool 3-0, and the scoreboard barely captured the gulf. Calin Dimario’s lot toyed with Klopp’s heirs, tiki-taka strangling the Scouse wing-play like a…
La Liga 2052: Atlético Madrid Surges Ahead, Real Madrid in Trouble
February 10, 2052 – Tremendous, unbelievable things happening in La Liga. The Spanish league, second best in the world (only behind England, believe me), is on fire. For decades Real…
Alien Jim Reports: Chelsea’s Five-Goal Human Ritual Over Southampton
Chelsea 5–0 Southampton, 12 January 2052 On Glubblubb IV we never saw such rituals: thousands of hairless bipeds filing into a cavern called Drogba Arena, emitting roars at colored cloths…
Liverpool Humble Man City in Ruthless Anfield Display
Liverpool 3–0 Man City At Anfield, Liverpool tore Manchester City apart with a performance that was equal parts ruthless and inevitable. Dougie Agnew (25’), Felix Hammond (33’) and Federico Vallejos…
Chelsea Extend Unbeaten Run with Win at QPR
I’m sick of it. You’re sick of it. Everyone outside Stamford Bridge is sick of it. Chelsea go marching on, another 2–0 win at QPR, another tick in the unbeaten…
Chelsea Reduce OM to Mathematical Dust in 6–0 Rout
28 January 2052 – London witnessed a study in imbalance at the Drogba Arena, where Chelsea reduced Olympique de Marseille to fragments in a 6–0 demolition that was more proof…
Premier League Roundup: Kelly’s Hat-Trick Defines Matchday 25
30 January 2052 – A strange symmetry unfolded across England this evening, where three matches provided three distinct lessons in inevitability. Manchester City 4–1 Queens Park Rangers Mathematics does not…
From Devon to the Big Time: Plymouth’s Bloody March into the Premier League
27 January 2052 – Plymouth Argyle’s unlikely crusade Plymouth fucking Argyle. A name you never thought you’d see hovering around the top half of the Premier League table, yet here…
Chelsea’s Ruthless Blues Break Arsenal Hearts at the Emirates
27 January 2052 – Emirates Stadium, London The Emirates burned with false hope and bitter smoke on Saturday as Chelsea marched into North London and left with a 2-1 victory,…
Chelsea overpower Villa to seal Round of 16 spot
23 January 2052 – At the cavernous Drogba Arena, Chelsea battered Aston Villa with wave after wave of pressure before finally cracking them late to earn a 2-0 Champions League…