Premier League Roundup: Kelly’s Hat-Trick Defines Matchday 25
30 January 2052 – A strange symmetry unfolded across England this evening, where three matches provided three distinct lessons in inevitability. Manchester City 4–1 Queens Park Rangers Mathematics does not…
From Devon to the Big Time: Plymouth’s Bloody March into the Premier League
27 January 2052 – Plymouth Argyle’s unlikely crusade Plymouth fucking Argyle. A name you never thought you’d see hovering around the top half of the Premier League table, yet here…
Chelsea’s Ruthless Blues Break Arsenal Hearts at the Emirates
27 January 2052 – Emirates Stadium, London The Emirates burned with false hope and bitter smoke on Saturday as Chelsea marched into North London and left with a 2-1 victory,…
Chelsea overpower Villa to seal Round of 16 spot
23 January 2052 – At the cavernous Drogba Arena, Chelsea battered Aston Villa with wave after wave of pressure before finally cracking them late to earn a 2-0 Champions League…
Liverpool Crush Huddersfield 6-0 in Ruthless Display
21 January 2052 – Huddersfield got their arses handed to them, plain and simple. Liverpool rocked up to the John Smith’s Stadium and turned it into a slaughterhouse, 6-0, and…
Chelsea 4-0 Leeds: Malcolm’s Brace, Granger’s Wonder Goal, and Pele’s Madness
20 January 2052 – Drogba Arena shook with lunacy as Chelsea ripped Leeds apart 4-0 in a Premier League spectacle that felt more like a fever dream. Paul Malcolm, a…
France ’98: The Mad World Cup That Still Boils My Piss
Let’s not mince words, the 1998 World Cup was a circus. France hosting meant baguettes, too much wine, and stadiums that smelt like stale cheese – a bloody nightmare for…
Matty Roberts’ £130M Switch to Dortmund Sends Shockwaves
17 January 2052 – Hark and tremble, for Chelsea have flogged their golden calf. Matty Roberts, the buccaneering English winger with thighs like oak trunks and a left boot kissed…
Liverpool Thrash Blades but Still Chasing Shadows
17 January 2052 – Anfield saw blood spilled at the weekend, Liverpool hammering Sheffield United 4-0 in the FA Cup third round. The Kop lapped it up, but don’t let…
Chelsea Edge Palace with Late Winner, But Injuries Cast a Shadow
16 January 2052 – Another joyless trudge in the Premier League masquerading as triumph. Chelsea escaped Selhurst Park with a 1-0 win over Crystal Palace, Paul Malcolm stabbing home from…