By Henry Vinter | 8 January 2056
The “Magic of the Cup” is often about romance, giant killings, and dreams coming true. On Saturday afternoon at the Drogba Arena, Chelsea took those dreams, crushed them, and then scored eight goals just to be sure they were dead.
In a display of terrifying firepower, Calin Dimario’s side annihilated Swindon Town 8-0 to book their place in the Fourth Round. It was Chelsea’s 24th consecutive victory, and perhaps their most brutal.
For the travelling Swindon fans, the only solace was historical. The last time they saw a Chelsea player this good up close was in 2037, when a young Joby Holwell spent a season on loan at the County Ground. Back then, Holwell was a teenager learning his trade. Today, Swindon faced a fully-formed monster that showed them no mercy.
The Perfect Tens
It is rare to see a 10.0 Match Rating. To see two in the same game is absurd.
Scott Crichton, the “Legendary Winger”, was unplayable. He opened the scoring with a penalty after just 2 minutes, added a second penalty in the 53rd, and ran the show with 9 key passes.
But he wasn’t alone in perfection. Youngster Billy Laing, operating in the hole, also earned a perfect 10.0 rating. Laing scored a stunning finish into the top corner in the 41st minute and matched Crichton with 9 key passes of his own. It was a glimpse of the future, and the future looks terrifying.
Sahar’s Hat-Trick
While Crichton and Laing pulled the strings, Netanel Sahar did what he does best: finish.
The Israeli striker, who seems personally offended by the concept of not scoring, bagged a superb hat-trick. He scored just before halftime to make it 4-0, added a “close range header” in the 72nd, and completed his treble with a “powerful close range volley” in the 81st minute.
Sahar is technically the “backup” striker. In almost any other team in the world, he is the first name on the team sheet.
Statistical Carnage
The stats board read like a glitch in the simulation:
- Shots: Chelsea 38 – 4 Swindon
- xG: Chelsea 6.21 – 0.64 Swindon
- Possession: 73%
Shon Mishpati (one goal) and Fernando González (a curled screamer in the 88th minute) also got on the scoresheet, ensuring the rout continued until the final whistle.
Chelsea didn’t just beat Swindon; they processed them. On to the Fourth Round.
By Henry Vinter
