By Henry Vinter | 1 April 2056
It is April 1st at the Eddie Howe Arena, but for the rest of the Premier League, this is no joke. It is a recurring nightmare that has lasted for more than three decades.
With a chaotic, thrilling 4-2 victory over Bournemouth, Calin Dimario’s Chelsea have officially retained the English Premier Division title. It is their 34th consecutive league triumph—a statistic so absurd that it feels like it belongs in science fiction rather than the history books.
The victory also secures the club’s fourth piece of silverware this season, completing a unique “Quadruple” of the Community Shield, UEFA Super Cup, Carabao Cup, and now the Premier League.
The Unlikely Hero
On a day when the superstars were expected to shine, it was left-back Luca D’Urso who dragged Chelsea across the finish line.
The defender, filling the void left by injuries to key players, produced the performance of his life. He struck twice in the first half—a “placed shot from close range” in the 36th minute and a second just before the break. For a player usually tasked with stopping goals, scoring the brace that clinched the title will ensure his name is sung in West London for years to come.
Billy Laing had opened the scoring in the 34th minute with a “cleanly struck effort”, and by halftime, with Chelsea leading 3-0, the champagne was already being put on ice.
The Late Scare and the Final Word
But Chelsea, perhaps bored by their own dominance, decided to make things interesting.
Bournemouth’s Antonio Minatel mounted a one-man resistance, scoring in the 67th minute and again deep in stoppage time (90+5) to bring the score to 3-2. For three nervous minutes, the home fans roared, sensing a collapse.
It wasn’t to be. In the 98th minute, substitute Joseph Haigh—the man who has defined Chelsea’s season off the bench—broke away to score a deflected drive, making it 4-2 and officially starting the party.
Robles the Architect
While D’Urso got the goals, Alberto Robles ran the show. The Mexican midfielder was imperious, registering 2 assists, completing 86% of his passes, and earning the Player of the Match award with an 8.6 rating. He has quietly become the heartbeat of this invincible machine.
What is Left?
The league is secured with a month to spare. The domestic cups (Carabao done, FA Cup Semi-Final to come) and the Champions League (Quarter-Finals await) are now the sole focus.
Having already banked four trophies, Dimario’s eyes will now turn to the “Big Ones” to turn a great season into a legendary one. The 34-year reign continues. Long live the King.