By Henry Vinter | 10 May 2056
The Premier League trophy is polished, the 104 points are in the bag, and the “Sextuple” is still on. But none of that mattered to Calin Dimario on Wednesday night.
After watching his side capitulate to a shock 3-1 defeat against Newcastle United at St. James’ Park, the Chelsea manager reportedly locked his players in the dressing room, unleashing a tirade so severe that he refused to attend the post-match press conference.
In a bizarre twist fitting of this soap-opera season, it was Chelsea’s Director of Football, none other than Pep Guardiola, who was sent out to face the media while the screams echoed from down the corridor.
The 22-Minute Collapse
Chelsea arrived in the North East looking to extend their record-breaking run, but they left their intensity in London.
Newcastle’s Garvey Adelij tore the champions apart in the opening stages. He scored a “close range finish” in the 19th minute and added a header just three minutes later (22′) to put the Magpies 2-0 up before Chelsea had even woken up.
Pele, one of the few bright sparks, gave Chelsea a lifeline in the 60th minute with a “powerful volley,” briefly threatening a comeback.
D’Urso’s Nightmare Moment
But the comeback was killed by a moment of madness from Luca D’Urso. The usually reliable full-back made a “glaring error” in the 68th minute, gifting the ball to Newcastle captain Axel Teijeiro, who scored an “accurate finish” to make it 3-1.
The mistake seemed to be the final straw for Dimario, whose touchline demeanor shifted from frustration to volcanic anger.
The “Silent” Treatment (for the Media)
Post-match, the scene was chaotic. Reports confirmed that Dimario had “kept the team locked in the dressing room” and let them know “in no uncertain terms just how unhappy he was”.
Meanwhile, Pep Guardiola took the stage. The Director of Football, usually seen in the boardroom, fielded questions about the performance. He was graceful, admitting, “I have to hold my hands up and admit that he [Adelij] was just too good today”. It was a surreal moment—one legendary manager covering for another, while the squad endured the “hairdryer treatment” inside.
A Wake-Up Call?
This result—Chelsea’s first defeat in a long time—leaves them on 104 points with one game to play. In the grand scheme of the league, it is irrelevant.
But with the FA Cup Final (vs Man City) and Champions League Final (vs Hertha Berlin) looming, Dimario’s fury is calculated. He knows that if D’Urso makes that mistake against City, or if the defense sleeps against Hertha, the “Sextuple” dream ends.
He didn’t lock them in to punish them for losing a meaningless league game. He locked them in to ensure they don’t lose the ones that matter.